I have a problem and it is no one has pissed me off lately. Bill Simmons sticks to podcasts to talk with his buddy "House," and I refuse to hear his nasally, headache inducing voice so I don't listen to that. No one reads this, so I can't pick a fight with anyone. I get bored and just start giving my opinion, which is why you always get these countdowns of things I think. I was reading articles with the intention of being ultra picky and finding something to bitch about. Then I found Peter King's MMQB and it contained my least favorite thing in the whole wide world and do you know what that is? It's Boston fans who love to talk about their team, here represented by Peter King. My critique of his shit fest MMQB is brought to you by the irony of all ironies, using the Ten Things I Think I Think Peter King has not thought of. Brilliant!
1. My buddy Don "Donnie Brasco'' Banks is always telling me how gullible I am. Brasco likes baseball, and I called him a couple of years ago after seeing Juan Acevedo pitch in a spring-training game and told him, "Juan Acevedo's gonna win 15 games this year.'' He didn't come close. I admit to getting sucked in a bit by players I like. So write this down, you who keep records of how badly I screw up predictions: Matt Ryan is going to be a star in the NFL.
STOP THE PRESSES! Peter King gets sucked in a bit by players he likes? No way and I believe Brett and Deanna Favre would argue differently. When I first read this part of his article I wished on the brightest star in the sky it had said "I admit to getting sucked by players I like," and that would explain a few things for me. Alas, I lose but not as much as Peter King who thought Juan Acevedo would be a 15 game winner. http://www.baseball-reference.com/a/aceveju01.shtml
Check those stats out. He only started games twice in his career. So not only did P.K. get it wrong that he would win 15 games, but also he was wrong in the exact role Acevedo would play for the team. Doesn't do much for his credibility, which is why he should say Matt Ryan is going to be a star and leave it at that. Not compare him to Peyton Manning or even a character from Peyton's Place. Don't even try to have people write it down, then people are going to remember it and he will lose more credibility. Maybe he should just stop making predictions and stick to stalking football players. There is even a good chance he may not know what position Matt Ryan plays, probably because Ryan has not sucked him...........in............yet.
2. Remember how weak the Patriot rush was in the Super Bowl -- and fairly consistently weak at points late in the season? Richard Seymour's postseason: 12 quarters, zero quarterback pressures or sacks. New England has to address that.
No one but you and the 9 million other Red Sox/Celtics/Pats fans remember this Peter. See, as a journalist this is a really good stat that would generally help me to think you are smart, but I know you are a huuuuge New England fan, so I am calling you out. I think New England fans should have one of those highway billboards that count down tax dollars at work. Except the sign would say, "Your New England bandwagon fans at work" and have a count of how many bandwagon fans have switched over. Or anyone born in the New England area could be taken to a camp and fitted with a bracelet and constantly monitored for bandwagon tendencies. By the way, from how this is written, it sounds like P.K. wants to replace Seymour, who is a Pro Bowler by the way.
3. 16. Arizona. CB Leodis McKelvin, Troy. Odd. From what I read, I thought there was already a jersey in the New England Patriots Pro Shop in Foxboro with "MCKELVIN'' stitched on the back.
That's it. The analysis of this pick. Nothing to see here. From what I read, I thought there was supposed to be a mention of why the team would pick a player in a mock draft.
4. 22. Dallas. RB Rashard Mendenhall, Illinois. Jerry Jones is dancing in the draft room -- he didn't have to trade into the top of the draft for a back, and he ends up with a guy some in our business think is better and a lower risk than Darren McFadden. One question, though: Why couldn't Mendenhall beat out Pierre Thomas at Illinois two years ago?
Brilliant logic by P.K. Why can't freshman beat out seniors every year if the freshman is going to be a first round pick down the road? Can't the coaching staff use the Super Duper Predictor 2100 that shows the potential of every player and can put that player in the correct position on the depth chart? Here's a question for you P.K. Why could your BFF and always, Tom Brady, not beat out Drew Henson at Michigan? Why is Todd Boeckman going to start for OSU next year and not Terrelle Pryor? I don't want him to think so hard he bursts and spills spaghetti everywhere, but it would be nice if he thought just for a minute.
Tomorrow we are going to introduce the idea of "player improvement" and "coaching staff stupidity" to Peter. Bring notebooks and pencils, it will be a doozy.
5. 25. Seattle. DE Kentwan Balmer, North Carolina. I love what Don Banks wrote about this guy. He said he hoped the Ravens picked him, so he could be Balmer of the Bal'mer Ravens.
I hope you become King of the Boston Red Sox Nation so you can be King Peter King. What, not funny? Completely pointless and you lose respect for me? Exactly, P.K.
6. 26. Carolina (in trade from Jacksonville). QB Brian Brohm, Louisville. The one thing about draft analysis is two or three guys a year invariably get hosed with all the time teams have to play with in February, March and April. This year's prime victim: Brohm, who likely would have been a top-five pick last year had he come out as a junior. Instead, he stayed in school and completed 65 percent of his passes for 30 touchdowns on a college team with a poor defense and a .500 record. So now, he's got the plague all of a sudden. Someone's going to get a great bargain with this kid. I picked Carolina because John Fox and Marty Hurney are smart.
No. Not happening. God, I hope not. I hate you P.K. for even mentioning this, though calling my personal bff's John Fox and Marty Hurney smart is a good way to kiss ass, but they are not smart. OMFG. The Panthers and Louisville do not make good fun together. The three players from Louisville the Panthers have chosen have been 2nd and two 3rd rounders, and all in the last four years. They have none of them on the roster currently. Fox and Hurney need to be banned from the state of Kentucky. Plus, Carolina is not taking a QB.
7. 8. I think I love the perspective of Chris Long. Asked him the other day when he was on Sirius whether it would bother him if he sank like a stone in the first round of the draft and got a contract with, say, $10 million less in guarantees than he'd have gotten in one of the very top slots. "Twelve million, $25 million ... I can't spend that kind of money, whatever it is, in three lifetimes, never mind one," he said. "I just want to play football.''
He also said, "My father is also a millionaire so that kind of helps and I am pretty much guaranteed to be in the Top 5 because of all the media drooling over me." I am glad he loves the perspective of a millionaire's son. I personally love the perspective of hundreds of other prospects in the NFL Draft who would like to have the money Chris Long "can't spend" to help their families. You know these prospects, those who aren't lucky enough to have fathers that do commercials, have been in a couple bad action movies, played in the NFL, and are now featured on a national pregame show. But hey Chris, you do seem modest-ish.
8. 9. I think you might enjoy some of the stories in a piece I did for SI coming to your mailboxes and newsstands this week on the 10-year anniversary of the 1998 draft, which was held exactly 10 years ago last Friday. I won't spoil it, but you'll love the story of what Peyton Manning said to Bill Polian three weeks before the draft, and you'll love how Matt Hasselbeck and Ryan Leaf are inextricably linked in history -- at the beginning of their pro careers and at the end of Leaf's.
I now regret I subscribe to SI. If this article is as boring as his "preview" of it, then I am going to be forced to burn it. Much like I did in early October when Boston teams were on the cover four straight weeks. Honestly, I could give two shits what Peyton Manning said to Bill Polian, do you not realize this?
9. d. For Boston to be 13-7 with David Ortiz hitting .160 (and it took a mini-streak to get to .160) is ... well, it's a sign of a pretty good team.
You know what else is the sign of a good team? A team that is 13-5 without their second highest paid player. Which team is that? I am not telling look it up. That's right, you don't follow other baseball teams. Sorry, and no, I am not suggesting you actually should follow other teams, just suggesting you are a diehard Red Sox fan and that makes me hate you.
e. The best lineup, Terry Francona, is Jacoby Ellsbury leading off, Dustin Pedroia second and Jed Lowrie ninth. At shortstop. I know Julio Lugo's making $9 million a year, but Lowrie's lightning in a bottle.
What's my favorite team's best lineup? Ok, I am bored with taunting him for not watching other teams that are not in the New England area. You love the Red Sox, we understand, we just don't need a shrine in your column to them and constant tips to the team to make them better. Remember you thought Acevedo was going to win 15 games? Remember how you said you were stupid for saying that and you are always wrong about players because they suck you....in? Lowrie is lightning in a bottle and replace Lugo with him! King Peter King has decreed it so! Ah, the joy large market teams must feel when they can spend $9 million on a player and then bench him.
10. g. Every Red Sox fan on the planet is happy to see you leave Toronto in a huff, Frank Thomas. Now how about signing in Taiwan -- or at least somewhere in the National League?
Of course Boston area fans are not racist! They just want to deport any minority hitter to Taiwan. (cue redneck voice) Or stay on his side of the world and let me stay on mine. I can't believe that feller there wanted to play more, he has to be upwards of 45 years old now. Some people just don't know when to quit, especially uppitys like that Frank Thomas. He's had a good career cut for him, you need to know when to step aside and let the youngn's like Matt Stairs take over.
Ok, I feel better now. Seriously though, what does Toronto do to the hitters there to piss them off? Also Simmons jumped back on the Bruins bandwagon. I may care about hockey for five minutes to read the piss filled article he wrote. Or I may publish a book that has all my previous posts in it about my favorite team and add some thoughts I have now, just in time for my favorite team to win a championship.
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